Me.

So, I had a check up at the Dr. on Monday. I am starting a new pain med. and I think that will help my physical quality of life a lot. At least I hope it will. It already seems to be working WAY better than the previous one.

My Dr. suspects I may have sleep apnea... What?! Based on some symptoms I've been having, and the Dr. speaking with Kelly who has confirmed that I appear to stop breathing at times during the night, she decided to send me for a sleep study. I'm not really looking forward to it, but if it provides some answers and helps me sleep better, and in turn have better mornings and days, then I'll do it.

I hate missing out on things because of not feeling well, and I hate having to cancel. So, for those of you who have had extreme patience when I've had to call off plans at the last minute, thank you from the bottom of my heart. One of my deepest fears is that no one will give me a chance anymore. Would I even give me a chance if the situation was reversed? It's a lonely place sometimes.

I don't talk about my health a whole lot, and I never have on this blog before. I don't want to complain, I don't want to be negative, and I don't want to have an unGodly outlook at the portion God has allowed. Although it's a HUGE part of my life, I still don't want my identity to be "that woman with chronic illness." I have learned to live in spite of the pain for the most part. If I was crabby every time I was hurting, well, I'd be crabby most of the time! That's not the person I want to be, that's not the person God made me to be. I know it's hard to understand what's going on with my health...I don't even understand it myself half the time. There are people who don't believe me, and there are those that believe they have a miracle quick fix. I hate disappointing other people...hearing frustration in their voice...seeing annoyance on their faces.

I know this was a random post, but I just needed to talk it out...er, write it out.

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Pain.

External, internal, gut wrenching, soul bearing, heart throbbing, aching, longing, lonely, misunderstood, betrayed, ignored, shamed, self-loathing, confidience bursting, character questioning, embarrassing, overwhelming, crippling, judging, hurtful, sad, hopeless, empty, relentless, cruel, misunderstood, guilty, back-stabbing.

A savior.

Tear wiping, soul cleansing, heart mending, filling, understanding, loving, gracious, involved, friend, sin erasing, uplifting, embracing, freeing, leading, rest, comforting, safe, hope, peace, faithful, kind, true, just, solid, sweet, accepting, generous, available, ever-lasting.

Healing.